One of the strangest side-effects of growing up and leaving the world of my parents behind is that, after countless bar crawls and mornings feeling like the Cryptkeeper, I find myself missing the rigid frivolity of a Bengali party. There’s something masochistic about this. Few occasions are as deeply rooted in secret rules of engagement (and unforgiving of errors) as when Indian families get together. As a child, I instinctively hewed to the following 5 principles.  As a teen I alternated between rebelling against and mocking them. Today I feel what can best be described as sweet nostalgia for a set of customs that may very well be lost to future generations of Bengali-Americans.

1) Never Bring Food

Attempting to “help out” a Bengali hostess by bringing food can be disastrous. Yes, in all likelihood she has spent the better part of a week cooking the best Indian dishes in her repertoire. She has lost sleep, constantly doubted herself, and smacked the hands of her husband and children attempting to sneak away with freshly made samosas. But all of this effort is voluntarily taken on for the reward of seeing those she cares most about finish their plates and ask for a second serving. Indians are communal by nature, and food plays a crucial role in that. Contributing food may seem like a kindness, but to a Bengali hostess it’s a flagrant criticism of her ability to care for guests. Offer to help set the table or fulfill drink requests; it’s safer and will always be appreciated.

2) Observe the (Initial) Separation of the Sexes

There are 3 acts to a Bengali party: Catching Up, Dinner, and Dessert. The first act is almost always carried out with husbands in the living room and wives in the kitchen, with very little interaction between the two. While this may seem incredibly outdated, it’s important to remember that many of the couples met under the strictest dictates imaginable: an arranged marriage. There was a meeting between the potential bride’s father and the suitor. If that went well, the suitor might be allowed to speak to the bride with the bride’s mother present. Dozens of such meetings would ensue featuring different family players, and with each, the anxiety would lessen and level of intimacy increase. The same concept applies to a Bengali party. Chatting man-to-man and woman-to-woman disrupts formality, allows for a loosening of ties and saris, and sets the stage for lively (and sometimes risqué) interactions later.

3) Being Critical of Your Own Children is Expected. Being Critical of Someone Else’s is Suicidal.

Most Bengali fathers choose to harp on their children’s shortcomings rather than boast about their accomplishments. This is because a greater premium is placed on humility in India than it is in the West. It took me a very long time to break the code of my father’s affection; hearing him describe my writing to friends as “dallying in the arts” inspired rage as a teenager. But when I was 24, a close friend of his made the mistake of criticizing what I did for a living. While the content of what he said wasn’t all that different from what my father might say about me, my father was the only one who had a right to do so. Dad broke off contact with his friend for six years. The lesson? By all means rib on your offspring. But no matter how tempting, don’t cross the line and start ribbing someone else’s. The Dad chuckling about his child’s horrendous dance moves secretly thinks they’re as good as this:

Super sweet Indian dance moves. 

4) Level of Affection is Gauged by Order of Leaving

While it’s not uncommon in the West to hang out with people who secretly can’t stand you, Bengalis, passionate lovers of theatre, insist on making it plain through action. That close friend of my father who was excommunicated? The wedding reception my parents threw for my wife and I in 2010  spurred a reconciliation of sorts and he was invited.

And while you might assume he was all smiles and gregariousness, nothing could be further from the truth. While Aunties and Uncles in their seventies danced until 2 a.m., the newly-forgiven and his family were stone-faced throughout, ate rack of lamb like it was laced with arsenic, and left a full 4 hours before everyone else. It’s comforting  to know who your friends and enemies are at-a-glance.

5) Once You’re In, You’re In for Life

It’s a common occurrence: a couple splits up and their friends panic, trying to decide who they like most and breaking off ties with the loser. This mindset is anathema to Bengalis, particularly those who risked everything to create a new life in a foreign land. When you’re one of few surrounded by strangers, you hold on tighter. You forgive mistakes (eventually) and you sacrifice so that your friends may succeed. During the last years I spent at home with my parents, I began to see family friends marrying non-Bengalis and the age-old stigma (rooted in fear) attached to interracial marriage begin to dissipate. Why? Because when an outsider respects your traditions and supports your dreams, they can no longer be considered one. Your cooking skills may be judged. You may receive sideways glances for leaving a party early. But you are family, and as family, we reserve the right to hold you to a higher standard.

Featured image courtesy of GenoDM

This post was written by

Anish Majumdar – who has written 22 posts on DashAmerican.com.

Anish Majumdar is the creator of DashAmerican.com, a site devoted to insights at the intersection of cultures. He is of Bengali descent, raised in Canada, and currently living with his Irish-German-Lithuanian wife in upstate NY. His work has received Independent Press Association Awards and a Pushcart Prize nomination.

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